woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
