no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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