Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
