I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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