Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
