sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize
