some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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