I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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