Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
