So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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