Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
