peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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