yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
