you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
