Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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