i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
