I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
