This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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