I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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