just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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