well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
