You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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