In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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