the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
