I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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