dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize