she woke up with a sticky ear
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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