I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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