also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
