dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
