apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
