if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is it because I queefed?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
