Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
