woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
