Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
