You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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