i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
