Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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