May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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