Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
