Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
