The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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