walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
