update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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