dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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