we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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