Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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