I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
