I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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