If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
