it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
