we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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