what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
