I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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