I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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