You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
