The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
