Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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