Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
